The past few weeks have been rough. I lost my grandmother a little over a week ago. Our time in Chicago for her funeral service is such a blur. I'm in a funk that I cannot explain. I Googled how to cope with losing your grandparent. I didn't read the articles that I found. After I realized what I was doing I decided to get off of the Internet. I sat quietly. No more tears. Nearly numb. Mourning. For me, I found it good to mourn.My Lola is the only grandparent that I ever knew. The only grandparent that I got to love. The last time that I saw her alive was at our wedding. August 2008.
This next statement may not make much sense. I am trying to let some of these confusing thoughts and feelings out. I was MORE sad the last time that I saw her alive than when I saw her at rest. My final image of my Grandma is a peaceful one. She looked as beautiful as I remember her to be. She truly looked as if she were sleeping...
When I last saw her alive, it broke my heart. She was restricted to a wheelchair. She looked tired and sad. She didn't recognize me. She didn't know me. She did not remember that she loved me. Her memories had been fading well before our wedding day. I lost my Lola years before she passed away.
Condolences Cynthia. Allow yourself to heal. It will take time. I lost my grandfather over 10 years ago and I still get teary eyed when I remember his healthier, happier times. I also remember his aging through the years: losing his memory, not being able to remember things, not being able to care for himself. It brings me peace to know he's resting in peace now.
ReplyDeleteI felt the same way when my grandfather died. He was so frail and he hardly even looked like himself before he passed. I don't like to think of those last few months. Instead I remember fishing with him and listening to him stories when he was well.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry Cynthia. I don't have a recipe to get you out of your funk. But I can just say that I relate. I lost my grandmother in '97. Like you, she was my ONLY grandparent. We were very close because she actually helped raise me. I've been meaning to write about her for some time now.. but I get emotional, so I've been putting it off. Glad you can write about your feelings. Just keep writing if you feel like it. it may comfort you in ways you haven't imagined. hugs :-)
ReplyDeleteMy deepest condolences, Cynthia.
ReplyDeleteMy great grandmother was pretty much in the same state of health before she passed away five years ago. She wasn't even able to see my son, as she died two months before my boy was born. It would have been great had she been able to see her great great grandson.
Stay strong, God bless you and your family.
That statement makes perfect sense to me Cynthia. I lost my grandmother years before she passed away too. I'm sorry you're hurting and I pray you find comfort.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss, Cynthia. But let me tell you that I know how you feel. My grandmother died a couple of years back and I lost her even before she passed away too. She was bedridden for than 2 years and could only communicate with her moans and tears. It was very hard seeing her like that. Reading your post made me miss her more but I know that she is in better place now. Maybe even making chika with your grandmother and looking down on all of us.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss and I completely understand your statement. I lost my maternal grandmother last summer and leading up to her passing my family was encouraging me to visit, but she was in an awful state completely unaware of things around her. I declined, much to their disappointment, but it was important to me to have my last memory of her be the one when I saw her last: holding my daughter when she met her for the first time. I cherish that memory.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear of your loss. Wishing you much love and peace during this time of healing.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. I loved my grandmother. She took me under her wing and loved me in ways my mother couldn't or didn't want to. Please know that you are blessed because she made your life richer and more full. It's good that your final memory of her is pleasant. She's in heaven now and you will see her again. God added her to your heavenly greeting committee. Grieve for as long as you need to. Sending {{{{{ Hugs }}}}} all the way from California.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you lost your Grandmother. I hope that you can remember the good memories about her.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard losing loved ones and you should allow yourself to grieve.
I lost my mom a few years ago and not in a cold way but I was happy to see that she no longer had to suffer. My mom had a tough battle with Pick's Disease, a rare form of Alzhiemer's, so she slowly deteriorated. In fact, she wasn't able to come to my wedding when I got married. I love and miss my mom but I know that she is a better place and that one day we will reunite.
So sorry to hear this. Remember the good times and don't feel bad about feeling this way. She doesn't hurt anymore. **HUG**
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your comforting words. Each of you has helped me so much during this tough time.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your loss. It is hard to see our loved ones suffer more then letting them go. Remember those fun memories and pass those along.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Cynthia. I was also very close to my grandmother. I hope you can get through this difficult time:)
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for you loss --hugs, peace and comfort. I think it was very wise of you to unplug and allow yourself to mourn.
ReplyDeleteI lost my grandparents when I was young - never got to know any grand fathers - I felt cheated. Try remember her when she was vibrant and remember her love for you then. Cherish the memories that's how you will keep her memory alive. So sorry for your loss!
ReplyDeleteLeigh
www.oneandoneequalstwinfun.com
Sending you (((hugs))). I have wonderful memories of my grandma, one of the few family members I never forgot loved me unconditionally. I think grandparents can be such a huge stabilizing part of a family. And those good memories, even if you have to go back a ways to find them, are precious!
ReplyDeleteDear Cynthia,
ReplyDeleteI am SO sorry for your loss. I still miss mine so very much - a grandparent can never be replaced.
I am glad you are taking the time to grieve and to grapple with the gravity of your loss. May you find joy in the memories that you cherish and peace and comfort as you grieve.
Hugs
Create With Joy (@CreateWithJoy1)
http://create-with-joy.com
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